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Category Archives: humor
Ruthe and I were in Oxford – Oxford, MS, and Oxford, England – last year. We love both places.
The Grove is like no other place I know. When Ole Miss played Arkansas at home, we headed toward The Grove behind some Razorback fans. One turned to the other as they prepared to cross the street and actually enter the Grove, “this is the epitome of fine culture.” So it is.
James Emery White writes …
Often called the city of “dreaming spires,” Oxford is one of the more beautiful cities on the planet. Its medieval beginnings can still be felt when you walk down cobblestone walkways and through ancient colleges.
I have had the good fortune of being able to study there, and still do from time to time through various summer programmes. I enjoy any and every hour possible in its famed Bodleian library, particularly the Radcliffe and Sir Richard Humphrey’s library.
But most of all, I return to spend the afternoons writing in my favorite Oxford pub, The Eagle and Child (affectionately known by locals as “The Bird and the Baby”), largely because of who went there before me.
As a plaque on the wall reads,
“C.S. Lewis, his brother, W.H. Lewis, J.R.R. Tolkien, Charles Williams and other friends met every Tuesday morning, between the years 1939-1962 in the back room of this their favorite pub. These men, popularly known as the ‘Inklings,’ met here to drink beer and to discuss, among other things, the books they were writing.”
You will recognize the name of Tolkien as the author of The Lord of the Rings trilogy. C.S. Lewis will, hopefully, also be known to you through the movie of his life titled Shadowlands, his seven-volume Chronicles of Narnia (also made into movies), as well as such works as The Screwtape Letters and Mere Christianity. Williams is lesser known to most in our day, but he was greatly respected by the others and was the author of numerous works of fiction.
Another frame on the wall contains a note, dated November 3, 1948, which Lewis and others wrote to the owner: “The undersigned, having just partaken of your ham, have drunk your health.” This was signed by, among others, Lewis, Tolkien, and Tolkien’s son Christopher.
And drink they did, adding to the lively conversation and the banter that did not let ego gain too much of a foothold, for as one landlady overheard Lewis say to Tolkien, “Oh no, not another bloody elf story to read?”
It reminds me how one day, as I sat at my favorite little table, and another stream of tourists entered – and left – I heard the manager muttering, “Bloody Christians.”
I was enough of a regular to feel comfortable asking him what he meant.
“Take a look at this,” he said, holding up a menu.
“They cost me two pounds each. Two pounds! I ordered hundreds of them, and now I only have ten because they keep getting nicked.” [I may need to explain – “nicked” means stolen.]
“You mean people are stealing them?” I asked incredulously.
“Yeah, the bloody Christians take the menus, while the bloody students take the spoons and ashtrays.”
Understanding the obvious need students have for utensils, I couldn’t help but ask, “Why the menus?”
“I don’t know, it’s what they can get their hands on, I suppose,” he answered. “It got so bad I started making copies of the menu that they could take – for free – but they still take the good ones.”
“I’m surprised they don’t try and take what’s on the walls, then,” I mused, looking at the pictures, plaque, and particularly the framed handwritten letter from Lewis, Tolkien, and others commemorating the day they had drunk to the barmaid’s health.
“Oh, those aren’t real,” he said, “just copies. They still get taken. I’d never put the real ones up.”
He paused a moment, and then said, “What gets me is that all these people who come in for Lewis are supposed to be Christians, right?”
Yes, I thought to myself, they are.
The irony is bitter; the manager of The Eagle and Child pub holds Christians and, one would surmise, Christianity itself, in disdain because of the behavior of the Christians who flock to pay homage to Lewis.
Christians who wouldn’t dare drink a pint, but would gladly steal.
As Lewis knew, loving Christ with your strength may have less to do with avoiding the beer, and more to do with leaving the menus.
A paraprosdokian is a figure of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected in a way that causes the reader or listener to reframe or reinterpret the first part. It is frequently used for humorous or dramatic effect, sometimes producing an anticlimax. For this reason, it is extremely popular among comedians and satirists.
Ø I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn’t work that way, so I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
Ø Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.
Ø Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
Ø The last thing I want to do is hurt you, but it’s still on the list.
Ø Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
Ø If I agreed with you, we’d both be wrong.
Ø We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.
Ø War does not determine who is right – only who is left.
Ø Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
Ø The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
Ø Evening news is where they begin with ‘Good evening’, and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.
Ø To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; To steal from many is research.
Ø A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station.
Ø How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
Ø Some people are like Slinkies … not really good for anything, but you can’t help smiling when you see one tumble down the stairs.
Ø Dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish.
Ø I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted pay checks.
Ø A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you don’t need it.
Ø Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says “If an emergency, notify:” I put “DOCTOR”.
Ø I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
Ø I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with “Guess” on it…so I said “Implants?”
Ø Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
Ø Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
Ø Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America ?
Ø Behind every successful man is his woman; behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.
Ø A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
Ø You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.
Ø The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas!
Ø Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won’t expect it back.
Ø A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.
Ø Hospitality: making your guests feel like they’re at home, even if you wish they were.
Ø Money can’t buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
Ø I discovered I scream the same way whether I’m about to be devoured by a great white shark or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot.
Ø Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go.
Ø There’s a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can’t get away.
Ø I used to be indecisive. Now I’m not sure.
Ø I always take life with a grain of salt, plus a slice of lemon, and a shot of tequila.
Ø When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.
Ø You’re never too old to learn something stupid.
Ø To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.
Ø Nostalgia isn’t what it used to be.
Ø Some people hear voices. Some see invisible people. Others have no imagination whatsoever.
Ø A bus is a vehicle that runs twice as fast when you are after it as when you are in it.
Ø If you are supposed to learn from your mistakes, why do some people have more than one child?
Ø Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
I still get lost with the beautiful and fascinating southern accents around me.
A friend invited me to visit his “sale.”
I asked what he was selling.
He looked at me funny and said, “no, my sale.”
I looked at him, totally lost.
He said, “you know, my sale group.”
“Oh, your cell group.”
“That’s what I said, my sale group.”
One of the funniest things I’ve seen is the following interview with Bill Cosby. Enjoy!
Check out these ads from days gone by (and never to be repeated).
Today, ads like these are offensive, irrational, chauvinistic, unbelievable. What will today’s ads look like in a few years?
Today’s relevance is tomorrow’s irrelevance. To lock ourselves into the spirit of the age is to become a humorous relic of the past.
What is eternal is relevant. What is not eternal is eternally irrelevant!
It happened over a thirty-six hour period!
1. Friday night, Ruthe and I were at the home of our oldest daughter, Sarah, in Cabot, Arkansas. We watched “Marley and Me” with our grandchildren. When Marley dies at the end of the movie, all the grandchildren cried. Ruthe and I teared up.
Saturday morning, their 10 year old dachhound was run over. Unbelievable timing. Our 7 year old grandson asked his other grandfather a dozen questions: “is Harley in heaven? Will he come with Jesus at the second coming? How close to the Throne is Harley?” His grandfather said he would prefer to face a hostile Sunday School class than answer more questions from his grandson!
2. Our second daughter, Corrie, and her husband woke up Saturday morning to find their sewer line had caved in. Because the line runs from their house to the street, it is their responsibility to repair. Cost of digging a new line: $7000, and a day without water. Sunday afternoon, in the middle of ditch-digging – it rained and all work stopped.
3. Friday night, our youngest son, Charlie, participated in a laid-back bachelor party for a close friend. One of the guests, another friend, became very drunk, very profane and violent. At 3:00am, Charlie drove the guy back to Memphis. On the highway, the guy tried to jump out of the car! Later, the young man had no memory of ruining the party.
4. Friday, our older son, Joey, discovered a deer was caught in their back fence. He called for help, and the local game warden came out, pulled his pistol, killed the deer, and left. He told our son it was the homeowner’s responsibility to dispose of the deer. What do you do with a dead, diseased deer when you live in the city? One leg had to be cut off in order to remove it from the fence. By the afternoon, vultures were circling the sidewalk where the carcass lay. Animal control finally picked it up.
5. Early Sunday morning, I got a phone call that both my elderly father and mother were in the hospital in Tulsa, OK, with possible stroke and heart attack. The evening, our last preview service was planned! I headed to Tulsa early Monday morning and was called 100 miles from Memphis. “The hospital is releasing them both – they are ok.”
So, in 36 hours…
*A beloved family dog dies – after watching Marley and me.
*The sewer caves in, with costly repairs.
*A friend gets drunk, ruins a party and when he has to be driven home, he tries to jump out of the speeding car.
*A deer is shot and left to be disposed of – in the middle of the city.
*Two elderly parents are taken by ambulance to the hospital.
*Our last preview service is held.
If I did not believe in the sovereignty of God, I think I would stay home and suck my thumb!
At weddings, there seems to be a rule: the groom gets choked up and the bride giggles. Sometimes, she just loses it.
Enjoy a moment’s humor.