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Counseling sessions would be fast. Really fast. Because he only has two minutes, and you better tell him what’s going on or he’s going to mash your knee with his oversized Bible.

He would scream the word “now” a lot. As in, “Tell me why you were impatient with your wife. NOW!”

Every counseling session would end with a confession, because Pastor Jack can pull a confession out of anybody. Even if you didn’t do it.

In every elders meeting Jack would inform the elders that “he did what he had to”.

He would answer every theological question the same way: “It’s complicated…”

He would probably fake his death several times as sermon illustrations.

Scripture references in sermons would be called “backup”.

The church would meet in an abandoned warehouse. The ushers would also be snipers and would establish a perimeter around the building.

At least three times a week Jack would be misunderstood by his congregation and have to go “dark” until he could clear his name.

He’d go undercover in rival churches to find out how deep the heresy goes.

Before any ‘special offering’ etc the congregation would be coerced into contributing with the simple statement ‘…or thousands of innocent people will DIE.’

Every 15 minutes through the message, you’d hear some beeps and wonder where 5 minutes of your life went.

No one would have hymn books. Everyone would have PDAs. And Chloe would pipe the song words through to your screen.

To reinforce a point in a message he would yell “you’re just going to have to trust me!”

Before reading the Bible passage, he’d say ‘The following message takes place between Genesis 1:1 and Genesis 2:1 on the day of the baby dedications.

Every alter call would end with, “You’re running out of time.”

Thanks to Stephen Altrogge

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2 Comments

  1. This is so funny. I like the thought of the countdown though.

  2. Hahaha yeah only Jack would need the church’s schematics before starting services


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